Two Days From Zero, Time to Move Forward

Well, the last blog that I did was about me getting nervous, and how I was getting scared of the unknown. As of the day of the surgery, my worries were founded. I’m not going to lie, the first ten to twelve hours after my surgery sucked ass. I was dehydrated, and sore. I thought I would be sore from the incisions, but it was the gas buildup that hurt.

After my surgery, I don’t think that I could stay awake for more than a ten minute period until around four pm. After that I would stay up longer, and around six, I was starting to get up and move around to use the rest room. By around midnight, the night manager was letting me sit in his chair and we would watch tv together, and bullshit, so I didn’t sleep much else that night.

We were down in Tarzana with our friend Alisa, and by we, I mean myself and my wife Sarah. Traffic was a bunch of fuckery down there on a Tuesday morning, and it makes me appreciate that it’s not something that I have to do on a daily basis. Good driving on Sarah’s part, even if it shook me around a bit, at lest I’m here, able to tell everyone about it. Still, the gas is the worst part of the ordeal, by I had a good surgeon and I will always recommend West Medical to anyone who wants to consider taking this step to a better life style. The doctors are good, and the staff is pretty kick ass too.

Being back in my bed was nice, even if I ended up sleeping like shit with some trips dreams about how the world was build on lines. Dude, that was a really weird dream. So, I ended up spending the rest of the night on the couch, and yet, five am rolls around, and I’m wide awake, which I feel is total bullshit and my circadian rhythm needs to fix itself again. At least I’m handling the diet even after the surgery, I just find myself paying more attention to how my body feels than anything else. It was nice to have apple juice and white grape juice to help feel my mornings up the last two days, since I couldn’t have anything on the day of surgery. I decided to walk around, and I felt like I was going Yoda speed while doing it. I know that it was that the gas was moving around inside of me, at least it’s mostly out now.

Tonight’s exciting because I get to remove the bandages and take a shower tonight. Sarah noticed that my stomach looks flatter than it was from a couple days ago, so I had to check it out. I did a video while shirtless so that people could see where I was cut and how they took my pound and a half stomach out of my belly button. Honestly, I’ve been conscious of my body for years, and that was a moment that I just felt that part of this process needed to be shown. I’ve had thirty-five views the last I checked, and that’s better than most that I’ve done so far.

So, I guess that’s really where building the CK Project brand is going to take place. With my weight loss journey, and I’ve been told that it’s been motivating, and that’s what I always wanted it to be about. Is motivating people to do something to better themselves. Especially since we live in a world of trolls and negativity. There’s too much of that going on out there. Both online and politically. If this is an inspiring blog, please comment, let me know how it makes you feel. Share the hell out of my content like the dirty whore I am(joking, but still share). I want to know that my message is helping out.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

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11 Isn’t Always Heaven

So the liquid diet seemed to go okay today, though I did want more than I was getting, I made it through the day.  I can do this, I just have to remind myself.

It was a pretty rough week towards the end of my work schedule so I want to say that I think that is what attributed to my crankiness. I don’t think it was the lack of substance for food. I’m still not entirely sure though.

I had my creamy tomato soup for lunch and a yogurt for breakfast. Plus a Muscle Milk drink. I then came home to more Butter Nut Squash soup. I added pepper to it, though I’m not sure if that is or isn’t aloud, but it was damn tasty, so I’ll take it as a win.

I wasn’t entirely sure that I was going to make this blog tonight, as the day once again kicked my ass, and I feel myself nodding off while typing this blog. I’m trying to keep that commitment up to my readers at home. I wouldn’t recommend going straight liquid diet if I had another option. Though I really didn’t, I’m usually okay with the circumstance at hand with getting thrown into things head first, I think that’s how I’ve survived for so long.

I would write more, but the words are seemingly slipping my mind at this time. For tonight, I think I’m just gonna call it a wrap.

On The 13th Day.

So, while I was at work today, I got a phone call from West Medical, and  I got the news that I’m going to have the Gastric Sleeve. I was excited to hear that, but then I heard the date, December 11th. It’s way sooner than I expected, and I got nauseous right afterward. I thought that I would have a bit more time to get in the mindset that I need, but like most things in life, I have to be thrown into the situation and adapt as I go.

This is a decision that I don’t take lightly. I had to do some soul searching, and had to get my research down, and this was something I had been toying with for over a year now. I know that life is going to change, and I know that my tastes might change as well. Being a foodie, this was one of the hardest decisions that I’ve ever had to make. Now, I realize that I can no longer make food be my comfort in life. This is good.

The hardest part is that for the next two months, I will be on a liquid diet. I’m probably going to be grumpy, and once I have the surgery, I’ll be in lots of pain, but this must be done. I also know that life will suck for the next several months as well. This is the journey I must take to get myself on the healthy path. As I have seen that I have friends and family who’ve shown support, I’ve had just as many express concern. I appreciate both sides of that isle. It show’s the love and support that I do have in this life. I’m loved far more than I feel that I deserve, and I say thank you too all the opinions.

This is the path that I feel is best. Much like my decision to go to film school, I had people tell me that I should find something to get a “practical” job. I found a way to do something I love and have a passion for, while still using the degree for something “practical”.  With all the well wishes and concerns, in my experience, I’ve discovered that only your own person truly knows what’s right for you, as I have for myself.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Give Me That Boss Level XP

Let me start off by saying that today didn’t go quite like I expected it too. We were supposed to film backstage footage for the first flash back of Nash Gray, but illness has gone through a few of my cast members(and it was running so smoothly too). So, today caused a break in filming, and I’m okay with that because the next few weekends are going to be quite busy for me in other aspects besides school. Instead, it gave me some time to come to the studio and make plans for when we do next shoot(silver linings people), and it has given me sometime to actually sit down to work on my rough cut of the film(kind of useful, killing two birds with one stone). That’s when the concern started hitting me.

As I got what footage I have for the beginning, I discovered that right before I get to the first flash back, I’m already at the four minute mark. I’m concerned because there are things that I still need to film, and I only have fifteen minutes to tell my story. Do I go ahead and finish filming the scene I was supposed to film today? Or do I cut it all together? Truth of the matter, I’m not sure how I’m feeling about the pace of what I have so far as it is, and I’m sure I can shave things down to make it flow better, but what if I have to cut that bitch up a bit to make it flow better? I’m not even completely sure where to start looking to trim that fat.

The one thing I do know is that I really want to film everything and give the fifteen minutes to my project, and then go back for an extended cut that has everything in it. I know that I’m biased by saying that I love this project, and the characters are wonderful as well. The other problem that I face is that waiting on finishing my film is kind of cutting into my editing time, which I’m trying to think of ways to just edit what I have and fill in the gaps as I can, I might be able to solve that problem, and I do have an idea of what I need to do first.

Again I will say that this has been the most amazing experience ever, and I don’t think that I’m all that surprised that I ran into a snag towards the end of this project. Actually, I was kind of expecting this to happen somewhere, I just thought our last day of filming was going to be that day. I’m a creative problem solver, so I’m sure I’ll get a solution before the end of the weekend. I just sent a text out to help solve part of this issue.

I have however thought of another way to use my time…. I think that I’m going to go ahead and also work on said scripts that I’ve been working on the last couple of days, and use this time to relax a bit. It’s crazy that I’ve been running on full steam for so long that I’m not completely sure what to do, but I think playing video games and watching movies are part of that plan. Something might give me an inspiration, and I’m looking for that almost anywhere anymore. I went to my son’s awards assembly and here a name called. Arizona Smith, and I thought that it sounded like the wife of Indiana Jones. I’m not sure if I’m ready to write an adventure genre yet, but you never know.

While not filmmaking related, I do want to give a huge shout out to my wife, as we are celebrating our seventeenth year of our first date. She’s a better person than I, because I wouldn’t put up with the shit I do. I’m too ornery, and there’s been too many tears shed because I’ve done something stupid. Alas, I love you my wife, and as long as you continue to join me on this crazy ride, I’ll welcome the company. You’ve been with me through many ups and downs, and now you have a husband who’s been more driven to do things now, than ever. She supports me, and I try to support her as well, but I don’t think I’m nearly as good at it as she is.

Two months of school left and then into the great unknown. I have a few job prospects, and surprisingly is has nothing to do with the Hollywood Dream, not that I’m apposed to the idea, but I’m really liking being able to create my own content, or working with someone else on the creative process. I might still look for something to crew for on a big movie, I just don’t think I’m in a big rush for that. Right now, it’s all about taking it one step at a time, and I don’t want to get sloppy in my growth process.

Another thing going on is that we are going to be doing a change of venues for our studio, and that’s going to put us out of a studio for several months, but I do plan on still doing things, even if it has to be from the house itself. I’m sure things are going to be awesome afterward, because we’ll have more space to play in and it’s going to be built from the essential ground up. The beautiful part of that is that I get to say how it gets designed, and I look forward to adding studio lighting too it(even if it’s expensive, which it is). I guess that also means that I’ll have to become extremely proficient in green screen since that plan is to paint the walls that way. It’s both exciting, and going to be so much work, but the reward will be reaped once everything is done, and who ever said that if it was worth doing, that it would be easy. Not a cliche that I’ve heard. I know that hard work’s the only way things will work, and I’ve proven that I’m not afraid of it because I went to school with my fists swinging to get this done.

This looks like it’s going to be another wrap from me, the Director.

 

Too Much Passion? Keep It Up

So, people like to be entertained, and there are many forms to be entertained by. Watching movies, playing music, making costumes….even pretending to be living in medieval times, and being a knight. That’s why we have hobbies, that is why we do the things we do. We like to pass time, with our hobbies, that’s what gives us relief, that’s what brings us back to our centers. We live to pursue our passions, or at least we should.

So, what happens when it doesn’t become fun anymore? Do we try and find a way to rekindle that passion(hey, I was out of the superhero thing for many years, egad!), or do we force ourselves to continue when we are clearly burnt out on that passion? What becomes of that passion when someone clearly wants something, but isn’t willing to work for it? What happens when you find people of the like mind, and their burn out starts to make it less enjoyable to you?

Look, hobbies are just that hobbies. Some people feel an obligation to continue on a hobby because that’s all they know. Look, if you are burnout, just quit, nobody’s going to stop you, and if you’re unhappy or in denial about change, then stop. Don’t bring a cloud down on people who want to enjoy what is there for the hobby, just because you can’t except yourself leaving that hobby. Then you push people back, and politic the shit out of it so that other’s are as miserable as you are. There was a time that you had a passion for these hobbies and now it’s like you have a cross to bare, just stop. All it does is seem to make you an asshole because you can’t except change.

I digress, I got a bit off course for a minute there. I have a passion for life, and I have a passion that covers a vast amount of different things in my life. I’ll admit that I’m finding my limits in some of those areas, but at the same time, I can take a moment and reset my mind, because I am passionate about those things. Quite frankly, I don’t want to lose those passions because it makes me who I am. I’m passionate about comics and superheroes. This world is shitty enough as it is with trolls trying to take other’s down because I think it’s funny or that they want to change the status quo in a negative way. People would rather watch you fall and spit on you, than to help you up and push you to succeed.

I’m passionate about geeky things, and I don’t have to share the specific subject that someone else is passionate about, to get excited to watch the fire when someone talks about how awesome frisbee golf is. I love the passion that people share when they talk about professional wrestling. I was there too, once, and I kind of got out of it, because I found it getting too stale, but God damn, I like watching my boy pretend that he’s John Cena, and his reactions to watching Raw or Smackdown. I like when my girls get all excited about Monster High and the new dolls that come out.

Passion is the only thing that should motivate us in life. If you’re passionate about making money and shopping, than you should be fired to do what it is that helps you get there. I’ve been a slave working jobs to make some money just to survive and support my family. I know what it’s like not to like going to work because there’s no passion there. I’m fortunate enough that I like the people I deal with on a regular basis to keep me going. Yes, this has been a very motivated blog this time, not only to vent my own frustrations with the world, but because this is something that I need to remind myself of as well.

Please, if you ever feel that the passion is gone, and the hobby doesn’t really interest you anymore, just stop. Let the other people continue to enjoy it until they stop having that passion. There’s no need to drag other people down into your misery with you.

This is the director and I’m calling this blog a wrap.

Aw Man, What Was I Thinking

I’m glad the I decided to start my own production company. I love being my own boss, but a the same time, I’m looking to go out there and work for other people. Especially since I want the experience so that I can become a better filmmaker in my own right. I’ve gotten the chance to pick with kinds of projects that I work on, and this has been the most fun experience that I’ve had as a professional. There are days though that seem like they might just be too much.

Because I decided to go on in this business venture, it’s not been the easiest of choices. Now as I come to the closing chapters of my schooling and getting that degree, I’ve come to the point where I need to start focusing on becoming a business person as well. There have been challenges in this aspect, and I’m contemplating decisions that I might not like making, but it comes with the territory.

The other part of this is the fact that “anything worth doing, is never easy”. What truth that quote holds. You try and do the right thing, say like adopt a child in need. That’s difficult in and of itself. Deciding on a major career change, is a challenge when you’ve been doing something for so long, that is all you feel you’re qualified for.  Being in love and making that work, is not always the easiest thing to do either. Yet, there are reason’s that drive us to do these things.

Weight loss surgery is something else I’ve decided on, because being a person who feels trapped in a body that I didn’t bargain for is how I feel. I can’t move as much as I like, I hate the way I look in pictures, and I don’t like that all the clothes I can wear are expensive as hell. I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror. So, I have a very negative look on my own self image, and I hide it with an over confident attitude. It’s worked for me so far, and I know that charisma is something I do have.

I also know that these decisions that I’v made in the last few years are going to put me in a financial spot that I’m going to have to overcome, but I have faith that I will, because that’s always been the story of my life. I’ve got to have that drive to keep going, because I’ve got responsibilities, and that drive is always good for the artist. Yes, it may mean that I have to put that much extra work to get there, but I’ll do what I must.

So, this is my determination: I’m going to lose the weight and change my life style to maintain the weight loss. I’m going to do everything in my power to become the best damn filmmaker that I can. I’ll go ahead and do what I can to learn from professionals and craft my trade of choice. I can’t just let the haters win, who said that I needed to get real and go get a “practical job”. I need to get that career that betters my station and ignore the comments of being a part of the “hamburger brothers”.

I’m going to do this so that I can show my kids that it’s not bad to want something and work hard for it. I’ve always been able to make friends, and have some of the best people believe in me, so I don’t want to disappoint them, and I want to show them my gratitude for being the supports they are. I want to be able to provide better for my family because we should have to feel trapped in a situation that needs growth. I want to let my loved one’s know that I do love them, and I want to be there for them. I want to feel like a better person than I sometimes do.

While there are good things, I know that I’ve had many negative people come into my life and plant those seeds of doubt. I’m here to send them all away because all they’ve ever done was motivate me even more. Drive me more, make me successful, that’s what I want. I do what I have to, in both survival, and supporting my family. I will prevail.

This is the director and that is a wrap. https://igg.me/at/ZmRcVWz8R24/x/17178142 Support this.

Did I lose To a Time Lord?

Man, I can’t believe that this months is already half over. I would ask the typical question on where did the time fly too, but I can already answer that: I’ve been busy. That’s the crazy part, is that I’ve been busy, and I’m truly enjoying it.  I’ve been helping out with our Geeks United Against Cancer, and helping fund raise. I’ve been overly busy here in the studio, and all I can think is- Damn, this is fun.

Nash Gray, my fictional friend, we have been through so much together and all I can say is that I’m finally glad that I got your story done(at least I hope so). I’ve spent so much time rewriting and revising this screenplay that I hope with the resources we have available, that I finally can put the words to rest. Evilly, I won’t reveal the final script until we have it casted fully, but I’m glad to find more ways to tell Nash’s story. It also helped that I got some advice about filming from a friend, who reminded me of those valuable lessons learned about a year or so ago. I have a fault of not putting enough action into the writing, but can fill out that dialogue all day long.

You know that feeling you get when you realize something big is going to occur? Like the butterflies or the wiggly feelings inside. I got those today, and I look and see that I’m down to my last three and a half months of school. It’s crazy that I started this journey almost three years ago, and my life has been accelerated ever since. I can’t believe that it’s been over four years since my meltdown at work. Yet, I’ve come so far, and I’ve changed, for the better(or at least I think so). I’ve taken on responsibilities that I wouldn’t have ever dreamed of. I’ve built a reliable team to help complete the work that I have to do. These people seem to enjoy the process, and it gives them opportunities to gain experience that they probably wouldn’t have otherwise. The biggest experience is mine, as I learn to be a leader, as I learn to organize my life and the work I plan on doing for the rest of my life.

Speaking of the rest of my life. I find it odd that things that I wanted to do as a high schooler, have come back around in some way for where I decided to head in life. When I was in high school, I wanted to own my own production company, but I wanted it to be a music producer, as music will always be my first love. I discovered drama way after, but I found that I love it just as much.

I’m sure that I’ve mentioned that Sin City(2005), changed my life. I think it was creatively the most stunning movie(or it just looked really cool)(damn my comic book geekiness). I want to make something that cool. I love to write, and it’s funny because I hated English in high school. Being creative or performing, those are my drugs, and I love how they make me feel.

Remember that in three and a half months, things will be changing greatly for me. This is the Director and that’s a wrap.