I just got reminded that I have been blogging for seven years on WordPress. During this time, I’ve had the motivation to discuss things. I’ve also found that I’ve not always had things to talk about. It’s crazy how things have changed in probably the last nine years that I actually have blogged. I found that being at my mentally best was when it was probably the hardest to talk about things. Hell, most people are more interested in the downs anyway.
In this time, I’ve seen my eldest child graduate high school, become employed, and turn out to be a decent human in life. I’m proud of the woman she’s become, and even more so with the kind of work ethic she has. My biggest wish for her is that she grows and has all the success that she deserves. I’ve not always been the father she needed, but I hope that we continue to grow and rebuild our relationship.
To my son, who finally got into a school that is designed to help him excel, I was proud to hear that you made honor roll for the first time ever. With autism and a learning disability, he’s been dealt with a difficult hand in life. I come to loath the way the educational system handles children with special needs. With that I hope that someday, education will be reformed and this children are accommodated to help learn the way that helps them develop in life. I think given the right opportunities, he will find success in whatever he does.
In this time, I’ve gained another child, who may not be of my blood, but she’s my daughter. This one is the most stubborn and defiant of my children. While she’s headstrong, she’s a compassionate person. Coming from a rough childhood before our care, I’ve not always been able to handle her mood swings, and she’s tried my patience in so many ways. I have no regrets bringing into the house, and hope her determination takes her wherever she wishes to go in life.
During all this time, I’ve observed my parents go through the changes of getting older, and my mom in particular suffer from a head injury. It’s hard when the relationship has changed. My parents going from the caretakers of all my problems, to the me being the one to help resolve the issues that come with old age.
It’s hard to see that my mother isn’t the same person who raised me. She’s become a shell of the person she was. I think that it’s hardest because of the relationship I had with her. She was the one I could talk to, the one I could joke around with. Now, I’m more uncomfortable with the fact that she’s not even in the same realm that she once was.
It’s hard to see how my father has changed with getting older. Once a man that I had thought was the strongest person I knew, I now see a man who’s strength and motivation has left him for someone who limps, and moves much slower than he used to. I see a man who’s suffered from two heart attacks, and wonder why he can’t seem to bounce back like he could in his prime years. The strange part is that I see how lost and frustrated he’s become since my mom’s accidents. He’s had to take on the role of caretaker, and he’s come to terms that my mother will never be the same as the woman he fell in love with.
In the past ten or so years, the real growth has come, and the two relationships that have changed to most, are also the hardest to talk about. I know that as this will be read, there’s going to come some strong emotions directed at me, and some will be angry with some of the things that I say. With this comes the fact that I’ve not been completely transparent like I had said that I would be, and for that I do apologize, but I also was trying to respect boundaries. Now is the time it is completely spoken/written as I have the hopes that this will no longer weigh me down. This will only be discussed one time, and then it’s on to a new chapter in life.
Sarah, my long time partner, friend, wife, mother of my children; has been with me through so much. She was the one who was my solid ground, and rock when I needed it the most. She saved me from one of my lowest points in my life, and for that I’ve always been grateful. I’ve put her through more than any one woman deserves, and yet she’s stood by me through everything.
The sad part is that she fell in love with a broken man, who hated himself most of his life. Insecurities and inflated ego, had motivated me to look for other forms of validation. Several times, and now as I look back. I was looking for something that she wasn’t able to provide me. Times, she could be overbearing and controlling at times.
This would lead to me trying to find freedom in other places.Was it the best decision? Absolutely not, but I was too prideful to seek real help. Truth is, I was good at self sabotage and I felt that I didn’t deserve any better, because I wasn’t really worth much. I was just good at pretending, or as it’s called masking. Part of our down fall is that we didn’t know how to communicate, or how to handle the stresses that often would plague us in the everyday life.
Sarah had to deal with highly confrontational children. Autumn and Chris were constantly fighting, as at the time we weren’t aware of Chris’ Autism, and we had no idea on how to handle it. So, her dealing with a war zone at home wasn’t easy for her to deal with. I was the only person that she said she could vent too, and that she had no one else. This was coming from a not being aware of the struggles that I had been dealing with at a high stressed point in my professional career.
I was always trying to seem stronger than I felt when I came home, because I had troubles dealing with feeling like I was being attacked from all angles at work, and then coming home to more of the same type of energy, I couldn’t be free of it. I had the urge to run, and I had set up a few places that I could have gone when the time was right. My first therapist said that it was a fight or flight response that I had.
I was suicidal at the time. I felt like a failure and I didn’t know where to get help. Getting therapy and taking some forced time off of work, was the best thing for me at the time. It helped me get to a better place with myself.
This was a scary time in my life as I numbed myself with insomnia and distracted myself with twelve-thirteen hour sessions playing video games. I didn’t want deal with life. I was just existing. It started out with not only knowing if I was going to keep my job, but no income as well.
After I got news about the job, I was put in a place were I would have to start finding something for myself, and then I went to film school. Also still searching for an escape from the hell scape of my mind. I would turn to getting the attention of others. I now realize that these choices had really messed her up physiologically, which also led to more issues between us.
It was about this time that we had gone on a vacation together, just the two of us that I wrote a loving tribute to her. These words were from a man who had loved his wife, despite the choices that got made. There’s things that I have made the appreciation for the woman she is, and has always been. She’s been one of the best people to have ever come into my life. If I had to do it over again, would she still have been the one? A thousand times yes! Why? Because she saw something in me, when I didn’t see anything worth looking at.
It was the forcing something that had changed is where the down fall began, and the feelings involved weren’t recognized. I hadn’t realized that my self hatred helped put us on a different course. It seemed that the harder I tried to force that love, the worse it got. The more control that seemed to come out from her. I take this as a blame on not recognizing my feelings. I’ve been so detached from who I was and how I felt, that I didn’t completely realize what was going on.
That’s not to say that we didn’t still have good times, and that we were completely miserable. I just don’t think either one of us realized what had happened. I don’t think I could have found a better co-pilot in this life for that chapter that has happened. I just realize at we are in a place where we are separating, that it’s been like living with a roommate and best friend. This is where I’ve been for the last few years of my life with her.
Now, this is what I’m going to confess: I do love her. I mean it’s not the same as it once was, partly because we’re not the same people, but also because we grew apart without realizing it. I want the best for her, and I know that I don’t have what it takes to be the best for her. I want her to go on and find someone who she deserves, and someone who she can love better than she ever did me.
My anger issues stem from the fact that I should have figured all of this out years sooner. I’m mad at myself for being hypocritical and doing the things that I said I would never tolerate. I’m mad that I let life overwhelm me, when it could have gone so much smoother.
Now, the biggest change in relationships-me. I’ve wanted to kill myself several times in life. I’ve hated every move I’ve ever made, and I lied to get things that I wanted. I would make progress forward on many of those issues, but I would still hate myself. I would get into toxic relationships, because that’s what I thought I deserved. Every once in a while someone would show up and help save a part of me, Sarah included. I would be mean to my family because of my self loathing, my kids deserved better, Sarah deserved better.
After my first therapist, I didn’t hate myself so much, but came to an uneasy alliance of tolerance. Still I would cope with food and didn’t completely care if I died.
Then one day I was tired of feeling that way and I decided that I wanted to really change, make a difference. So I got invested in trying to lose weight. The positive side was that I had never felt better, both physically and mentally. I had become a better inspiration for people who needed to get healthier. I was honest about my journey as I had blogged about how difficult the mental game was going to be.
During this time I was working out harder, and doing exercises while I was at post to keep getting in better shape. Then Covid hit, and everything shut down. I had done my best to keep my motivation up, but not having weights to life killed the momentum that I had going. I had lost a few people to Covid as well, and I found myself in an exciting but challenging place in life.
I started getting back into exercising, and got job that was less stressful, and less demanding in the physical sense. I had also became a personal trainer which was fun. However, time away from being creative had caused me to be depressed.
It also didn’t help that my mother’s health had really started to decline at that time, and I was finding myself at a loss of motivation. I got back into old habits of using food as my drug of choice for coping with the stressors that creeped in on me.
The job is great, I love that I’m appreciated for the good work that I do, and I happen to work in a drama free environment. However, things started to get to be towards the middle of last year, and I wasn’t sure how to handle the fact that everything just was becoming too much for me. I had to see therapy, because I now longer had my life handled.
The other thing that has held me back from going fully into working out is the fact that I had Covid for a second time right after Thanksgiving, and the long part of it has been a struggle to get through. Did I let all that hard work go to waist? Maybe a little, but I’m fighting back and hopefully will be getting back into the healthier track in life.
I’ve gained some weight, and I no longer feel as comfortable in my body. Sickness and stress have been my worst enemies in moving forward. The depression has kept me blocked creatively. It’s frustrating as anytime I’ve gone to focus on something new, I sacrifice in other places. Right now, I feel that I need to work on my time management.
I’m adding an update that has taken a few weeks to get too:
I moved out. It was the hardest decision of my life to actually move out. It was hard telling my kids, however I feel that it’s for the best. As of this writing, I’m going on night three, and I’ve yet really had the time to sit and think. I know it’s time for me to get to know myself, and that I haven’t processed anything quite yet. I think that I’ve started to show my kids that I’m committed to becoming better mentally so that I can be a better father, by still showing up and doing things with the family. I get to separate myself and spend time away which has already made a difference in my mindset.
So, this is where the next part of my journey goes. Learning to find myself, learning to discover who I am, and who I want to be. We’ll call this the the rebrand. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.
The CK Project 