Here We Go Again

Here goes another year, as I find my guidance to make it through this crazy thing called life. To be honest, the last couple of years have been a bit of an adjustment. Let’s review what has gone on in the last few years, that have changed my perspective in life.

I guess we should start with the fact that I was fortunate to have been on the night shift during the first several months of the pandemic. I was only supposed to be on it for six months, but it ended up being eight-long-months. The months of March and April just seemed to be a four-month-stent each. Night shift provided me with not having to deal with anyone really.

I think night shift ended up being my saving grace a few times. In 2019 we had an earthquake that registered at 7.1. I didn’t have to deal with much that the day shift had too. It was nice that the last three years in my previous job, gave me a chance to deal with something other than the craziness of the day shift.

Thinking about the last few years, I saw loss, and not with just how a few of my friends had lost loved ones. I know through the pandemic, I had known several people whom had died do to Covid complications. It started hitting closer to home when I had heard that my former pastor’s wife passed from those complications. It hit even closer to home when my sister texted me about getting ahold of my brother because my mother had Covid, and after a few year stint in a health care facility, it was going to be her last days.

This event finally motivated me to travel back east and finally meet family that I grew up not knowing. I’m glad that I was able to get there, however, I was in the air between Detroit and Harrisburg when my mom finally passed. I was met at the airport by my niece’s mom, Jessica. I had an ongoing dialogue with this woman for years, and it was finally nice to meet in person. Jessica is by far one of the most giving and kindest people that I’ve ever known, and her daughters are just the best children outside of my own.

Being in Pennsylvania connected me to something. I can’t quite explain the experience, but I felt like some of my life story had been filled in, and I also know that something about that place calls me to spend more time there, perhaps this next part of my life’s journey. I have cousins that I’d like to get to know, however, I felt that way about spending more time with family here in California, which I became very disappointed with. Though I get along better with some of the more unexpected ones for sure.

Finding myself working after the trip left me wondering where my future would be, and it was early in December when a mutual friend of mine and my ex-wife reached out to me, and informed me that my ex had passed from Covid. I really didn’t know how to feel about this. People kept telling me that they were sorry for my loss. I find that getting those wishes was a bit strange. We hadn’t been together in over twenty-years. I think that my connection to her was the fact that we had become friends again. I felt bad for her as I had watched her struggle with stage four adrenal cancer.

Then the day after Christmas, I applied for a job that would take me on a new career path. I got a job as a media specialist, working for an archive center. I would learn to be more proficient with photoshop and help organize things in a way to make items easier to find. I hadn’t had an office type job since I had been a Realtor in 2007.

This was a blessing to get out of a high stress job, however, I also found myself struggling with not being in a job that was so demanding. Going from a four-day-ten-hour-shift job, to something that actually had a lunch, and a relaxed environment took some getting used too. I still love my job to this day.

I also found time to assist with coaching youth wrestling, working as a personal trainer, and taking various martial art, classes. I enjoyed it all, and yet there was something missing, and as 2021 would continue along I would find that stresses where starting to creep in and really impact my life.

In January 2019, my stepmom ended up falling off a ladder and suffering a cracked skull. This was a tough time in my life, and for the years surrounding this, I was taking time off of work due to sick family members. When summer of 2021 hit, my step mom had another head injury that left her in an out of town hospital for weeks. I think this was when things started to get worse for me, mentally.

I had stopped being really creative and I was feeling it, because creating is the outlet that I need. It saved me from one of the worst time periods in my life. My film stuff suffered, my blogging became minimal. In part because I didn’t know what to say. Worse, I didn’t know how to say what I was feeling. I was just trying to keep positive and sane. I thought that I had it all under control, yet my frustrations, and anger kept creeping in. It just kept getting worse.

2022 I found myself feeling ennui, and I lost myself. I did get back into being creative a little and we filmed, but I struggled being satisfied with it. I had fun doing those things that we filmed, but I needed something more. Getting filming with another became an issue that stopped from filming.

The highlight is that I started seeing a therapist again. It was hard to realize that I didn’t have things under control. To be honest, food as become my drug again and I don’t like how I physically feel. I don’t like how for the last several months, I’ve not been present around my family, but there’s a silver lining.

I had Covid for the second time around Thanksgiving time. It took me longer to actually recover fully from it, and physically I feel like I have to completely start over to get back into the shape I was. While starting again sucks, I’m determined to get all that motivation back and bounce back better than ever. I’m getting back into being creative so that will also help.

I’m the director and that’s a wrap.

Building A Better Me: 8 Years of Blogging

Here’s the rewrite of this blog from a month or so ago.I got reminded that I had been blogging on WordPress six-years ago. I started blogging using Facebook in 2014 to start sorting out that mess that was in my head. I’ve gone through so many changes since then, with one of them being that I followed my passion and went to film school.

I’ve said before that the idea of blogging was not only to share the experiences I’d gone through, but I also wanted to blog to help me with my writing. It’s really helped with my script writing as well. Surprising enough, I’ve found a support from people that had shared their experiences with common situations. I’d even been thanked for expressing unspoken feelings for some of my readers.

I think the best way to describe the last eight-years is growth. I’ve grown so much with my mental health, and it helped me get better with my physical health as well. I’ve better connected with people, and I’m grateful for the journey that it continues to take me on. For once in my life I feel present and like I belong in the vessel I live in.

The experience of not feeling that I belonged in my body, and not be emotionally connected had been the default setting for most of my adult life. If I wouldn’t have grown through the expression of blogging. I’ve met a community and my interests in life have gone in unexpected directions.

I would say that blogging has been a form of therapy for me. Much like walking is my form of meditation, and both places are where I collect my thoughts together. Yet as similar and with the thoughts, they are far different activities and the thought process is generally different, but only sort of, because my walks have been a place for me to work out some mental health issues. The only difference is that blogging hasn’t ever helped me develop a character.

What is the purpose of blogging though? Is this some vain attempt to draw attention to my issues and get sympathy? I don’t think that was how I ever intended it, and yes, I’ve been questioned. It’s just me laying out the realities that are apart of my life. It also was intended to let those who do suffer know that they don’t suffer alone.

I don’t speak the names of those who have confided in me, because I think that it’s not my place to out someone. Just like I think that people’s belief systems are personal and it’s for them to share. I try hard to steer away from politics because of the ugliness that I’ve seen go on through social media. I will say this though; both sides have valid points, and I believe that we need both sides to bring balance, much like the light and dark side’s of the force.

Outside of that, my social media is for updates, motivation and working on the brands. It’s amazing what kind of community support that can be found when you look for it. It’s refreshing that not all of the internet is toxic. So, I suggest if there’s something that you seek, look for that community. Most are patient and willing to answer questions.

That’s another thing that blogging, and the weight loss journey have done to help build that better version of me, is get me more personal and in touch with people. Some of those connections have been so surprising. Plus, it’s really helped me grow because connection was something I had only been good at faking in my earlier years.

Hitting rock bottom is never fun, and it’s a place that I’ve felt that I’ve hit a few times. I’m sure that there are many who would say that they felt the same way. Guess what? That’s part of that community that you might be looking for. Nothing bonds people more than a commonly shared experience. This could be anywhere from problems to hobbies. The internet does give you access to knowledge, and more than just cat videos.

At some point I think that I might need to evolve this blog into something a bit more niche. Sometimes I feel that I’ve lost all inspiration to blog, which is evident by how few they come out these days. Hell, there are times that it takes me a few weeks to get out a blog(This has been in the works for a couple of months here).

I think part of the problem is the fact that I’ve just not been inspired by much. I’ve been more into my world building for the scripts that I’ve been writing for the last few years, and I need to buckle down and that through some of those a bot more. It just seems that I’ll start getting distracted by other things, and I lose that focus that makes me happy.

With that, I think that I’m gonna call this a wrap, and hope that inspiration will hit me for another blog soon.

Achieve the Balance

It’s been months since I’ve blogged, and it’s crazy how things have been going for me. My life has gotten so much busier that if I was too stop everything, I think my head would explode. My personal training certificate has been a nice bonus to add a little income to my brands, and being a youth wrestling coach on top of that has been a blast. I’ve enjoyed watching the kids improve their skills as I’ve been able to partake on their journey. I’ve also been able to make friends with my fellow coaches that’s helped to provide a better work relationship to boot.

I spend several hours a day at the gym, either coaching, or learning. I’ve gotten into the martial arts of Jeet Kune Do, started learning grappling to help with my coaching in wrestling, Brazilian Jujitsu, and Kick Boxing. I find these to be a challenge and fun. I never thought in my life that I would be a martial arts junkie, yet here I am. One style that caught me off-guard was Tai Chi. I know that it’s often thought of as the old person’s martial art, but let me tell you that I’ve had the most insane experience with it.

Sam had me try it for something a bit different. I slowed down weight training to try a few new things, and on the particular day that I tried it for the first time, it caught me in my emotions. As hard as I have strived over the years for improving myself, there are still aspects of my life that I realize are unbalanced, and the movements and energy just brought everything up to the surface. I find myself needing more structure and discipline. I need focus, which is something I thought I had, but apparently I don’t.

I’ve been struggling with getting my next certificate in personal training because I’ve lost focus. I don’t want to say that I’ve ben depressed, because it doesn’t feel like it normally does, but I will say that my mind is easily distracted lately. Maybe I’m doing do much? Maybe with everything going on in life, uncontrolled events, I just lost the drive to do things.

That’s something that I should address, my stepmother, the lady who raised me, had spent time in a hospital earlier this month because she fell and hit her head again. To be honest, I thought that I was going to have to say goodbye to her. She was in scary bad shape, and it was hard to see her like that. Something that makes it harder is the news that it seems that she’s in the first stages of dementia, and that isn’t easy to deal with.

I’ve come to realize that I’m at an age where mortality is becoming very real, and watching my parents health decline has been an uncomfortable situation for me. I’ve mentioned when the age that I was going to start expecting my parents to pass, that sad part is that the time frame I had predicted has started to really come into view.

So with these events going on in my life, I’ve been struggling for my Sports Nutrition certification. I’ve been working on the last couple of questions that have involved a case study, and honestly I feel done. I didn’t even get to finish the study. I want my cert, but I think that everything is finally hitting me. I guess that’s where my depression is at right now. I’m going to get through it, and I just have that feeling of giving up and crawling under a rock for a while. It sucks, but again, I know that I’ll get through this.

On a plus side, I’ve got plans for my next cert, as I’m going to be learning Yoga to add to the services that I already provide my clients, and I might start teaching a class at some point. As for what the end goal is, I do have a plan, just Yoga kind of fell in my lap. I’m thinking that this will be a great way to get my stretching in. I’ll be the first to admit that I could stretch more than I do.

I also have to mention with all the mixed emotions and turn of events in my life, I’ve been doing the Media Specialist job for seven months now. Outside of working on movies, this has been the best job I’ve ever had. I like my boss, and I like my supervisor. The cool part is that I’m appreciated, and I’m able to help teach them somethings as well. This is a job that allows me to use my artistic mind on the things that I do.

Another positive is that Sarah’s Crohn’s Disease hasn’t seemed to gotten worse, and her arm has better range. I’ve been able to watch her and Christopher II learn and practice Jeet Kune Do as something to help them out as well. I think it’s helped Sarah with her range of motion. I think it’s going to help Christopher with his coordination, as he really like the teacher of the class. As a side note, that teacher has said that he’s learned from my coaching to take a bit more time with one of the people, since I tend to work more with the smaller children during wrestling practice.

With everything that’s been going on, there are times that I do feel that I should quit coaching and being a personal trainer. It’s not that I’m not good at either, it’s just I’ve realized lately that I’m feeling burned out. Sarah says that she recognizes it because I tend to do that, spread myself too thin. Yet, I always feel that I can handle it, even though I should know better.

One of those realizations that I’ve had was that I’ve been pushing off being creative, telling myself that I’ll do it as soon as I’m done with the subject at hand. It never seems to come though, and I really need to get back to work, because that’s where my passion is in life. Creating and making movies, shorts, and other content. It was easier at the other job, when I had time to sit down and write while off on some remote place, doing my job. The Media Specialist is a great job, it’s just surprising how busy it keeps me, and that is something that I love about my job. Plus I do feel appreciated and it doesn’t go unnoticed, like I’ve mentioned before.

So, I find myself trying to figure out what it is I’m going to do. Do I keep going on the path I’m currently on, or do I finally take a step back to be creative, because it doesn’t seem like I have much time to do both? I’m sure that this is where I am currently and that things will work out, because I’ve got so much going on in my head right now. Plus there’s the fact that Pennsylvania is calling to me, because my maternal mother’s memorial is coming up the first weekend in October, and I feel that I should be there for that. I do miss my nieces that it would be great to spend a little time with them.

As I reflect, and find balance in life, I’m sure the answers will happen. People say that it’s happens in His time, and I’m not against that idea. Maybe the fates have other ideas for me? I think I need to meditate further for reflection. Thanks for taking a bit of time out of your day to remember that I’m still around, and that I do try to get to the blogging, but the past year and a half has been crazy. This is the Director and that’s a wrap.

More Progress

I worked out, and I checked to see that I’ve lost a few pounds. It’s exciting to know that I’m heading back in the right direction in my weight loss journey once again. I’m also heading in the right direction as I’ve passed my test for my personal trainers certification. Once again, I’d like to say that my years starting off strong. It’s just like the rest of life, we have our ups and downs. Either way, it’s still considered progress.

I’m also about a week away from starting that new job. The anticipation, and the anxiety are playing through my emotions, yet I’m preserving over all this. Which means that I’m taking most of the time I need to keep working on my steps, and reseting myself with a new energy to take on this new experience. I was glad that I told all three days of my training session last week and made it, I plan on getting all three days in this week.

So much going on at once, and with that my son will be fifteen soon. It’s crazy to think that I’ve got a house full of teenage numbers, and I’ll stick Lily in that category because she’s going to be thirteen in June. Time truly does fly, whether you’re having fun or not. I’m glad that I hit the breaks and turned my life around. It’s hard when you’re at a weight that you don’t feel like you belong in the body that houses your essence. The struggle was real with being out of breath and hurting to move.

I still hurt when I move, but for better reasons than the fact that I was too heavy to move. I took my life back, and it wasn’t an easy journey. I still struggle with it at times. Yet, I’ve never wanted to give up. I’ve made excuses on why I wasn’t working out. Some of them have been legit, but that consistency is back, and honestly, by the end of the week, I should be getting that hands on training to actually be a personal trainer. I’m humbled and blessed to have Sam Basco in my life, not only as a friend, but as a trainer, and mentor. He’s giving me the training that I need to become successful at my journey, and it just adds more to the CK Project. Couldn’t you tell that I’ve become all about my brands, and how I can try and help people?

I’m thinking that I’ll start out working a few hours on the weekends, probably mornings, and as I get confidence and better at knowing the job, I’ll probably open up to a few hours here or there during the weekday nights. Again, I’m thankful to have Sam in my life, especially since I want to get more healthy and help others get there. The struggle of being over weight, and being an addict to food, is a difficult road. I know that I’ve been able to inspire people, and yet for some reason, I don’t feel like I’ve been very inspiring over the last year.

I’m thankful that Sarah comes and takes phots of my workout, it shows the effort that I do, when I am there, but again, consistency had been the biggest issue that I have had over the last year. I’ve kept having the same thought going through my head over the last couple of weeks, that things are going to look up. The drive to stay consistent is there, the negative vibes I had been around, are starting to dissipate. The thing about negativity is it often attaches itself to those around it. Trying to be a beacon of positivity was usually easy, but there were times that I would struggle to keep on that path.

There are some things that surprised me over the last few years, the experiences I’ve had, the learning, the growth. Yet I find that the biggest surprise is that I had met some truly remarkable, people. Some I had known for years, but after working with them, I had gotten to know how giving and kind they were. I’ve also surprised myself by finding a new motivation to push to get things done. That I’ve finally getting the chance to see the fruits of my labor.

Allow me to explain what kind of discoveries I’ve discovered about the CK Project. It started out as a way to for me to be held accountable for my weight loss journey. I hit bad time of depression and it went the brand went into obscurity. I figured that I would bring it back and rebrand it as a mental health blog. This was where I was able to write about my struggles and share my experiences with others. I found that this was a move towards healing, and sorting out what I was feeling.

It wasn’t until I decided that I had enough, and I was ready to take my life back that I started to get back to talking about my weight struggles and combined that with my mental health as well. So, I started to do podcasts that involve both weight loss and mental health. The thing is, it seems like the blogging that I do here is received well for both, but the weight loss seems to be a bit more popular. My podcasts however seem to be more popular when we discuss the mental health issues, and the struggles that we, and I mean my co-host often struggle with. So, I’m learning to play to the strengths and do what keeps the interest in the various forms that we present the info on.

I’ve gotten the compliment that the podcast keeps things real and pure. That there’s a raw emotion that goes into the experiences of those who decide to spill their guts to our audience. Here’s the spotify link https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA?si=KucvpPuSRqiv5J7W8Y9PHA. If you haven’t heard it, I encourage you too. I think the tone sets for an interesting listening. Plus it’s an important passion project, and we’re always looking for people who want to be courageous enough to share their experiences as well. It might just help someone, who feels that they’re the only ones who struggle.

I know for some people, this year hasn’t been the easiest of starts. I’ve had several close friends come down with Covid-19, the plus is that they have make a recovery. At the moment they’re through the worst, even if not completely better. I also know that with our current climate, life here in America is uncertain, and it’s a bit scary. I personally feel that things are going to get better, and I think that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer. Keep the faith, and keep on going. That’s all any of us can ever do. Continue to move forward.

Now, I’m looking forward to getting the information for the new job, so that I can take that big step on the newest page of the journey in life. There are freedoms that I’m looking forward too, with this new kind of work. An actual lunch hour, wearing normal clothes, hell, not having to shave everyday is probably the biggest highlight of the new job. Then the questions that remain, what are my hours going to be? Can I shuffle around hours to get certain commitments completed? I know that it sounds silly, but these are things that have been going through my mind lately.

The other question is how the new position is going to change my plans for summer. I’m supposed to take the family back to Pennsylvania for my mothers memorial in June. How is that going to be affected? I’ll figure it all out, and with the pandemic, I should be able to build up the projects that I’ve been working on so that it will keep my weekends busy, as I will also be making a little extra as a personal trainer. Life is going to be good, and that’s the way I’m having to live my life.

How’s the year treating you so far? Remember too like and subscribe to the blog. Also leave a comment, let me know what you want to talk about, share your experience. Let’s keep the conversation going and network. You matter, you are important. You can also e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com. The blog site is really taking off, and I would love to get this to be more interactive. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Realigning Priorities

With society being on various forms of quarantine, those who stay home have mentioned things about learning a new skill, or finishing some sort of project that has been worked on, but never finished. I’m realizing that I need to start working on some of those things as well. I still have to work, and being on the night shift doesn’t make my motivation for the waking hours any easier.

I realize that I need to work on stuff that I’ve been working on, and I need to practice skills that I’m still in the early stages of getting better at. On the plus side, I’ve low-keyed gotten a few things done here and there, so I’ll take that as a win. The fact that I’m putting out blogs one to two times a week seems to align with the things I tried to do the last time I was on the night shift. I know that there were a few months that I didn’t seem to have much going on besides staying awake, but I’m going to do my best to keep providing the content. This is both for the purpose of being a creative person, and my mental sanity.

It feels like I don’t have enough time to do anything, except the physical activity that I do throughout the day.  Truth is, I have all these things that I have on the back burner, and I don’t want that to be an excuse, however sometimes I think that I try to take on too much and that’s why I tend to get stagnant when actually getting something out. Man, I also have this plethora of ideas being churned around in my head about this whole Coronavirus ordeal. In fact I think I have come up with a few story ideas, that I think I’ll start notes on here in the next few days.

This situation has also made me realize that I want to start keeping in better contact with those who I actually want in my life. I’ve been reaching out too those that I actually find to be important to me, and hope that I can keep the solid bases for the relationships I have. Doesn’t it bother anyone to want to do more with friends, and find that life has gotten too busy, or that we’ve become too distracted for communications? I know that I’d like to blame it on the fact that I’m too busy doing things all the time, but the truth is, I’m easily distracted.  What is the distraction, you might ask? Video games, movies, social media.

That last one kind of skirts the edge of a complicated relationship, not for just me, but I’m sure there are plenty of others who might relate. I know people like to keep up to date with what’s going on with who. Have we just gotten to the point where we want to know everyone’s business? Has it always been that way? So, there comes the other question: What about you, Chris? Why does social media distract you so much? I know that my view of social media changed after I started going to film school. I also know that my reason’s behind why I do social media has changed quite a bit.

I used to feel that I wanted to share every problem, opinion with everyone. Yes, it’s still true, but I do things a bit differently. I mean I would complain online about work, relationships, etc.. I would also celebrate the triumph and happy stuff too. How is that different than what I’m doing now? Social media is about promoting my brands. That’s what it’s about for me. Part of what it is, using my experiences to show people that there’s a better way, that the thoughts of depression and suicide aren’t always the final answer.

I’m about uplifting, encouraging, seeing others succeed. Watching others succeed in something I wish I was successful at isn’t always the easiest thing too endure. I’d love to be making the incredible content that I see some of my friend’s doing. I’d love to have that job that pays me to do what I actually love. Don’t get me wrong, I love my health and wellness brand, that’s where I find the most success as it is, with the most response. I’d just like my film company to be making something all the time, and I’m sure we’ll get there at some point in the future, it’s just hard to see others take that train to glory town sooner than expected.

I knew that I would end up running into a stump along my path, as I have a few times. It’s not uncommon or unexpected. I knew that putting this burden on myself, would be an undertaking, but I also knew that it would help keep my mind busy, which is a good thing.

One of the bright and consistent things, while I haven’t completely been motivated to workout, I haven’t done too bad otherwise. I’m still getting in workouts, even if they’re not always as intense as I usually do when I workout with Sam. I’m not feeling a shrinkage of any of my clothing that I wear day-to-day.

That’s one of those weird things about my  weight loss journey so far, that I’m in-between  sizes for somethings. I wear an extra-large to a two-x in shirts. I was up to a five-x for the longest time. Now I can wear large shorts, sometimes an extra-large in shorts depending on the make.

I didn’t ever consider that would be in anything under a three-x. So, I’m happy about the work that I’ve put into myself. I’ve also started working on getting to the point where I can do a hand stand, while I’m not there, I think that’s one of the next goals that I’m looking to achieve. This might take sometime, but I know that it’ll be worth it. I think I want to get into parkour at some point in the future. That’s one of those things that Assassin’s Creed(2007) had gotten me interested in.

I can’t believe that I’ve been living this new life for almost two-and-a-half-years now. I have no regrets, and I do think that I wish that I would have made that decision earlier to have the surgery, but I think that I had been in a kind of limbo from the end of 2013 and I was just actually understanding how to come back from it in 2015. It took the instance of actually coming to the realization that I could meet my maker in 2017, that gave me the view of needing to be reborn.

That is exactly what I’ve done, and I have the cognitive view to see how I’m changing. It’s something that I still see, and the realizations coming with that. I’m in the process of dealing with my past and self abuse. I’ve still got a long way to go, and I hope that I can figure it out.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, as it does deal with me as a whole, coming from focusing on my weight loss journey, and my mental health. Things are going well,  considering everything going on in this world. Remember to subscribe, and leave comments to help make this whole thing better and help me to keep improving my content. That’s the director, and that’s a wrap.

Easter 2020

Wow, what a year this is turning out to be, and this being the first real holiday during the Coronavirus epidemic is just adding to the fact that has put strains on our first world lives. On a holiday that I would be spending it with my parents, and my kids, I find that this year isn’t going to be like many others. In fact, I should have been at Wonder Con this weekend, just like I have been for the last few years.

It’s funny to think that a convention would be something that I miss the most. Usually, we’d only spend half a day there since Sunday’s the closing day. I remember last year that we got to watch a Batman and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in a cross over movie, four months before it was to come out. I think we would still end up doing a little something for the holiday on the way home as it was.

This year was going to be exciting because I would get to share the experience of Wonder Con with one of my best friends. Her experience with conventions was always Clexicon which is in Las Vegas, and I think it would be fun to check out. Especially since it’s a LGBTQA+ centric convention in the entertainment industry. It helps to broaden one’s horizons.

The important part is that I did get to spend it with the family that I do live with, and that we’re all relatively healthy, considering everything. That’s something that has been an important highlight thorough out this epidemic, how important family is. How important  human connection is. I never gave too much stock in the ideas of energies until probably the last few years, but I’m starting to get it.

I think the fact that putting positive energy out, instead of the negative energy was something that I started doing to help myself feel better. It’s difficult when all you hear is negative stuff being spoken at work, and that was really starting to wear on me mentally. I wanted to be positive and would only speak positive because I wanted to feel better, and it seems to work. Though I know that it might sound ridiculous, just like the whole practice of positive affirmations, it does work.

Working out with Sam has taught me many things. One of those things is about the energies that connect us, and the energies we use when doing workouts. I’ve also learned that my body isn’t as functional as I thought it would be. I apparently don’t trust my body enough to do things that makes me feel unsafe. I guess that’s what being so heavy did to me, I can’t stand losing control of my body. So now I’m learning to trust being in different positions.

One of those things that I’ve been doing is trying to do assisted hand stands, and I’m getting more comfortable with my body upside down. I’ve actually done it a few days in a row, trying to stay upside-down for around twenty-seconds. This is the start of getting a full on handstand by myself and to be able to walk on my hands.

It feels like as I’m always starting over when I’m getting motivated to workout. At least I haven’t given up, and I am trying to stay mindful of everything that’s going on. I need this focus to help me stay more mentally healthy. I need this focus so that I don’t get back into the shape that I used to be. I think that I might have a slight case of body dysmorphia because of my experiences in life.

As this social distancing thing continues, it feels that life is dragging on. My workday’s are ten-hour days, but most days feel like they could be twenty. Plus everyday seems to feel the same, it’s almost like an eternal Monday going on here. It’s draining because it makes me feel that I’m always tired all the time. I feel like I want to sleep all the time.

I guess that I didn’t  realize that staying active and busy all the time helps keep me energized. I always looked at staying busy as a way to keep me distracted from having depressive thoughts. I know that anxiety, and overthinking are my enemy if I sit alone for too long and then I start questioning everything.

That actually doesn’t seem so uncommon, it makes me wonder why people have that go through their heads as well? It makes me wonder if I share more in common with my fellow person than I may realize? I know that I had a conversation with some female who I thought was popular in school, and a source of one of my crushes in school, and her sharing her story had made me realize that if those who seemed to be untouchably popular(in my mind) have those same struggles to deal with as well.

Going back to the fact that Easter was a different kind of holiday this year, reminds me of something that I’ve been saying for awhile now, this world is forever changed by the COVID-19  pandemic. Which leads to the thoughts of how are they going to stay different? Is the world going to be in a massive paranoia for the next several generations?

Even bigger questions: How are relationships going to change? Are we going to be closer because of this? Are we going to be more selective on who we choose to share our lives with? Seeing a rise in domestic violence, has been an eye opener. I know that I realized that when I would talk to people who would do so much over time, that it wasn’t always about the money, but about the fact that they could get away from the house, and get a break from their families.

I’m a hugger; when I great my friends, I like to hug. It’s always been a sign of affection that I’ve adhered too. Will things be the same afterward, or are we doomed to be slightly apprehensive about it, because of this disease? I personally hope that we can go back and get that connection, the exchanging of positive energies, as I think it is.

I still have those questions about how business is going to be conducted in the future? Are we as a consumer based society, going to go back to buying just for self satisfaction, or are we going to be more mindful where we put our hard earned investment?

Even better: how is this epidemic going to change the face of technology? Where will the advancements go from here? Is communications going to get a better look at? Will we take the lessons from the way Earth has responded and look at a better way to energize our businesses? Communications, business, and the definition of what truly is essential, what a crazy time to start wondering how these will be affected.

I do think that we have a better chance to survive something of this magnitude than when people were around for the Spanish Flu. I’m thankful that we’re all able to stay better connected, even through virtual means. FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, these are just some of the ways we can check in on friends and family and see that they’re doing alright. UPS, FEDeX, and other means from online sources, means that we can have things delivered in record time. This is where technology shines the best. I’m usually one to talk about how technology is going to be the downfall of mankind, however, it can also be used to keep us connected, safe, and I like that idea.

Before I call this a wrap, I would ask a favor of those who actually take the time to read and support my stuff. I’ve got a podcast, and I do these blogs, but I really want to get more interactive with my audience. Please, leave a comment, leave a question. Let’s get a dialogue going. I want to know what you would like me to discuss on one of the many ways I bring content out. I want my readers to feel like I’m writing to their needs or wants. Anyway, like, subscribe, and share so that we can expand the reach of what the message is. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

 

A Walk In the Moonlight

So, I went out for a walk on Saturday night, and it was clear out. I was surprised by how clear the sky was that night. There was a cloud that cascaded across the sky and was lit up by the moon. It reminded me of looking out across icy dark water, when I was in South Dakota. Looking at the dark, clear sky gave me a feeling that I haven’t had in a long time, peace.

I’ve tried to remain calm through all of this, and I’ve done pretty well so far. I know that I have to keep myself together for the sake of my family, especially since they have the compromised immune systems. That’s been my biggest fear is my family. I mean if it was just me, I wouldn’t be worried as much. However, because of my family, my anxiety has been a bit high.

It has been so much so that I’ve been burying myself in Animal Crossings: New Horizon, just so that I can keep from over thinking things. Yet, thinking about going to work, and the possibility has taken me to thinking about things that I don’t need to think about.

Back to the feeling of peace though, it was a welcomed feeling as these events have affected my sleeping as well. The positive here is that I’m not dealing with insomnia. That usually comes when I’m in a highly stressful situation, or if I’m dealing with my depression.

The world is in a crazy state at this time. I watched a video of someone jumping out of a window in a skyscraper, and landing hard on the ground. This is a dangerous time, not just physically, but mentally too. I think that people who deal with depression and anxiety need to be careful and mindful of their mental health at this time. This is the time that we need to be stronger than ever.

I had a guy come up to me today, and read my shirt, which stated that I was a member of the National Sarcasm Society, and he said that he had the virus and aids. Then he proceeded to cough on me. In my thoughts was that this older gentleman was kind of an asshole. Then I realized that it’s sad because he might be denying what’s happening, because it’s a real situation. I think it’s something that we do to protect our own mental sanity. He didn’t have a mask on, and honestly, might be one of those people who’ll get it. Hell, anyone of us can get it, and that’s a sobering fact.

As I keep getting away from that Saturday night sky, I really wanted to focus on that brief moment in time. As I was feeling at peace, I also had a feeling of clarity, and with that, I knew that everything was going to be alright. I couldn’t even begin to tell anybody how that feeling came about, but I knew it right then. I know that we’re going to have some hard times for a while, but we’ll get through this.

I think that the resiliency of our people are coming from some unexpected places. We’re seeing people coming together to help solve our problems. Yes, our medical staff still needs to supplies and things to take care of themselves.

I’ve heard that some of those places are being asked to take care of Coronavirus patients without protection. This is unacceptable, and the people in charge need to wake up, and realize that all that does is make the problem worse for all involved.

Note: This was last weekend, and I had a week of work between then and now.

While I have an optimistic feeling about things getting better, I’m not going to lie; work has been really long lately. The pace is different and we’re seeing people come through at different times, so it’s kind of feeling like we’ve been doing the eight week of Monday’s in a row.

I mean the situation at work has improved by the fact that we got masks to cover our mouths and noses with while working, but it just seems so long, and I’m having a hard time being motivated to get my extra projects done. I know that it will pass, it’s just a struggle, and I have to get through this.

Now is the time to check on those you know who deal with depression issues. Something like this isn’t good for those who suffer anxiety and over thinking things. I think that overall while I’ve had a few issues, I think that I’m staying fairly sane.

Part of my motivation went out the window this week because it had been raining a good majority of the week. It happened while I was on duty, and while I was off duty. I don’t have any really good rain wear so walking in the rain, just gets me soaked. I did adapt fairly well this week, that is until yesterday(Friday). I think that my tiredness might have something to do with it. Hell, it might just be an excuse, and I shouldn’t let the fact that I don’t have the space I normally would at Flawless Victory be a deterrent for working out. It’s part of that thing that keeps my mental sanity. Sam once told me that the chemical release from the workouts make for the best anti-depressant out there. I’ve discovered how true that is.

Coming back to the subject at hand though: I feel that everything will be alright, it’s just going to take time to get there. Unfortunately if you are to believe the media, there has been a rise in domestic violence since this quarantine has started. I guess that just goest to show that some people aren’t really meant to be together. Work is an escape from the family life-spouse, kids. That’s also why I think parent’s prefer to have their kids in school. It’s not that they don’t love them, it’s just sometimes people feel they need a break.

I guess that I got lucky, because while she drive me crazy at times, I like being around Sarah, I mean we spent so much time together that she’s easy to be around. Plus, I love my kids. I mean Autumn is an adult and stays with her grandparents, which is totally good, because of the fact that we’re so much alike, but I do love my kids.

Little Chris and I share the bond of superheroes and video games. Now I’m also working on educated the little ones in film. Since they both help me on movie sets. Then the fact that they were already doing online schooling makes them being home more normal.

The only thing is that the last time I was on the night shift, they were in regular school and I could get uninterrupted sleep. I find myself waking up when Chris starts to stem. That’s one of the bad things about his autism, otherwise everything else is fine. Getting woken up with just four hours of sleep isn’t fun though.

With that being said, we are living in some strange times, and this is going to test all of us. If not in faith, maybe in fortitude, and we need to be sure that we’re prepared for whatever is thrown our way. I’ll do my best to help keep trying to be that positive light that people need, and that’s why I do what I do. We’re all connected and this whole ordeal has made me realize that I want to be closer to those that I want to have in my life. I want people to actually know that I care and not be someone that just says that.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

If I’m Stuck, What Do I Do?

What a crazy time we’re in. I find myself struggling with motivation. It’s not because I don’t have my training time with Sam, and it’s not that I don’t have access to a gym. While both are true, neither are a good excuse for slacking off. I’ve been struggling since my time in the Emergency Room from a couple of weeks ago. It drove me crazy to have to sit at home and relax. I then found it hard to get the steps, that I would normally get. It’s been something that I’ve been dealing with for a few weeks, and I’m now trying to get to the point where I’m back in the flow of things.

The good point is that it was a bad reaction to something I ate and not the Coronavirus, and yet here I am, feeling a bit defeated by it. I know that all my progress won’t be undone over night, and to be honest, I’m still eating better than I used too. However, I’m in the process of getting that motivation back and working out.

This week was the week that I decided that I was going to be determined to get everything back on the right track. This world is in a bad place now, and I don’t think that I should let it bring me down to mental levels that I had been before. I want to live, and not just that, but I want to keep my family safe. Being someone who’s considered essential personal, and that would be on a normal basis as well, I have to brave being out in the public dealing with people.

As scary as that is, there have been reports made publicly that we’ve had a case of the virus from the area of where I work. My job is taking what precautions that they can to keep us safe, however, nothing’s ever 100-percent safe. This is the time that I’m glad to be working nights, which limits my exposure to the public.

Surprisingly enough, as much as  I wish normalcy would be back in our everyday lives, I find myself wondering if we will rise up as a people, and come out better because of it. My curiosity is wondering how money is invested, and which technologies are going to be the next big thing. Is this going to change the way people interact on an everyday basis? There’s just the concern that not everyone is taking things serious. With that mentality, we could prolong the time for this to die out. People are already complaining that it’s going on too long as it is.

The sad part is that we’re just now seeing how this epidemic is effecting us, and not just from the health point of view. Businesses that people have gone too for years are shutting their doors, never to reopen. This makes me sad because I know that these places provided income and livelihoods to people in our communities. This was someone’s life, who wanted to own their own restaurants, their own books stores. It’s about people’s life savings being used as investments, just to be obliterated into nothingness.

I actually had a conversation about seeing a news report saying that due to inactivity of businesses and people going out, our environment has improved a bit. While that’s a silver lining, does this mean that we, as a people, will take into serious consideration, renewable energy, green energy. If there was ever a convincing example, this is the time to listen. Alas, people will probably go back to the way things were, as money is the driving factor in this world, and that’s been proven time and time again.

There have been some wonderful examples that have been displayed during this time as well. Celebrities pitching in to donate for medical supplies. Big corporations like Disney, stepping up and continuing to pay their employees, even if they’re not working. It shows that we can be a better society than we normally show to be.

Just a side note: As of this moment, it’s been a few days since I’ve started writing this blog, and I’ve noticed a few things that I will talk about in the upcoming paragraphs.

While I was working last night, I noticed something that I hadn’t really thought about since I ended up having those weeks of taking it easy. The fact was that I finally gave myself enough time to finally get my ankle to be completely healed. It took forever since I was still trying to workout, without losing the momentum I had built up over the last couple of years.

I guess that was the way life was saying the I needed to take that time to allow my body to recover fully. I had never thought of that until I was doing my steps last night. I had finally noticed that the strain was gone from my leg. Hell, even my foot was feeling better than it had been for the last couple of months as well. I’ll take all the struggles that I’ve bee going through as a way of saying that I needed to slow down.

Isn’t it funny how divine intervention happens? Some people want to say that it’s God speaking to them, some want to put it all into fate, or the universe talking to them. It just means that I can get back into training harder again. While this quarantine is going on, I know that when I go out shopping for the necessities that I might see if I can pick up some extra weights while I’m out. I never thought that I would actually want to get something for the house just so that I can do home workouts a bit more effectively.

Speaking of divine intervention, isn’t it a strange thought to know that while this is happening to us with the Coronavirus, that we’re more equipped to stay connected while keeping up with social distancing? I mean look at where our technology is? Amazon, Facebook, FaceTime: just a few of the ways we can reach out and get things done, while staying in the comfort of our homes. I find that video chatting is such a better way to communicate than just through texting or a phone call. It feels like more of a connection to that other person.

It’s easier to shop from home and get things delivered to your house. This makes me wonder what’s going to happen when we get through this pandemic. Where are we going to invest in technology? What businesses are going to survive this recession? How is this going to change the way business is done? These are the things that I’ve been thinking about for some time now.

I was watching a news report on Youtube, it was talking about how the air quality has improved noticeably since the world has been on a quarantine status. It felt like it was one of those silver linings that can be seen during such times of trouble. If anything, it might be a good advertisement for investing in green, renewable energy. I want to be optimistic and hope that the world looks at this as a chance to do better with the way we treat our planet and the people around us.

This was a point that I had made with someone I was dealing with at work, and while they had the point of saying that people will go back to being the way they had been before any of this happened. I know that’s probably the most likely factor as unto what is going to happen, I just wish that it wasn’t the case. Money is what drives society, and I am morose at that idea.

We can do better. We should do better. I’m not ready to resign to people accepting the fate of our own destruction. I think that we can, and should do better. If not for ourselves, then for our children, and our grandchildren. This is the opportunity for the world to take the steps forward and make things better for the future. Non of us should accept the fact that our planet is going to be fodder and have a limited time for people to live here. I don’t want to actually live in a world that’s become like Judge Dredd, or Mad Max. While the stories are entertaining, it’s not the kind of world I would really like to be a part of.

Some final thoughts: I found myself having a bit more motivation in doing the things that I need to do for my health. I’m not totally lost in this craziness, and things are getting easier to complete. I’m going to remain hopeful because if I don’t, I might find myself getting depressed about the subject. I struggle right now because I’m considered Essential Personnel, and not in any “temporary” type status. My job has always been considered essential. It worries me, because I deal with so many people in the public. However, being on nightshift, and talking to people who work at different sections at the compound that I work, they are doing their best to limit exposure as well. So, maybe I won’t be exposed to this mess, and in turn, keep my immune deficient family members safe. This has been where all my stress and focus has been as of late. This is part of the reason that I’ve been playing Animal Crossings: New Horizons as a distraction. It’s some of the most pure and wholesome entertainment that I partake with.

Take care of yourselves. Take this situation serious. If not for yourself, then for those around you, because we’ve had deaths, and some of them have been healthy and in consideration, young. We already now that older and youth, are high risk, as well as those who have compromised immune systems. Do your best to stay out of the exposure area. I personally know four people who’ve been dealing with it, and so far their stories have seemed a bit different, and some of the facts about it have been shocking and frustrating, for these individuals. With that, I’m the director, and that’s a wrap.

Quarantined And Staying Healthy

There’s a feeling of rebellion when we are told that we should not do something that we take for granted. In the case of this Coronavirus we are told to stay inside and practice social distancing. Some people think that this pandemic is a hoax, that it’s just made up to instill fear. Some brush it off as just another flu strain that’s going around, and that it won’t be as bad as the media is making it out to be.

My daughter has two friend’s both online and out of state, and they have contracted this said virus. Sarah and I have met both in person, and we’ve never gotten the impression that they would do anything to be anything than dishonest. One of these people we’ve known personally for a few years, and has gained our trust.

The truth is, we’re living in some strange times. We’ve survived the biggest earthquake seen in over twenty years. We’ve seen a country become divided with politics. Now, we’re in a pandemic like something the world hasn’t seen, at least in a long time. It doesn’t look to be finishing anytime soon.

I know that people where hoping that we’d be done and over this by the middle of April. As I said before, not everyone is taking this virus serious. Now, our president has pushed the “suggestion” back towards the end of April, of being quarantined. This is something that has put people into a deeper “funk”.

In my opinion, I feel that this isn’t going to turn better until around June or July. Why, you ask? Because people still aren’t taking it serious. I hear businesses aren’t pushing for the safest work conditions, I’m calling you out on that Hobby Lobby.  People thinking that it won’t be that “bad”, walking around acting like it isn’t a big deal. Look, at the suggestion of professionals, that are asking to stay indoors and social distancing, it’s not really about those individuals, but about the one’s who could die.

This is a virus that seems to spread quickly, while it’s easy to manage, not everyone is taking the precautions that need to be taken to decontaminate themselves. I don’t want to bring it into the house where it could potentially get my wife and kid sick, or worse. It’s called responsibility, and I know people who’ve been actually dealing with this in metropolitan areas, and have heard about the precautions that they’re having to take to protect their own families.

Having three cases pop up in our little town has added a bit of harsh reality for some people, myself included. I hoped that it wouldn’t come here and that we were just being cautious for everyone’s safety. Then I heard that someone came up positive at the facilities that I work around. This scares me, and I worry everyday that I’m there about catching it myself, and passing it on.

This is a tough time, both physically and mentally. It’s just as tough, hell even tougher for those who have to make the harsh decisions about what’s going on. The global economy is going down, and America is feeling this hurt. So, if avoidance is the only way to contain the infection rate, is it worth the economical impact that we’re about to see? People are already starting to feel it in their pocket books. The lower and middle class can’t afford to take the time off, because they struggle to get by as it is. Small business owners are facing the uncertainty of if and when their businesses will be back in running. Businesses that have a lifetime of investment for some people. Big corporations will survive, that’s what they do. It’s the smaller shops that worry me.

The reality of death is something most people don’t like to talk about, and this virus has taken about 700,000 as of March 29th, 2020, that is if you are to believe the media. Yet, I feel that there’s going to be more caused by this virus, and it won’t be the virus itself. The truth is, people getting stuck at home are going to get depressed. Some look at work as an escape from the realities of their home lives. Jokes of needing a break from the kids, or from the spouse have been running rampant on social media. Hell, it’s been a cliche for just for such a long-time as it is.

As we lose money from not working, or as the economy crashes down, we’re going to find the suicide rate going up. I hate the thought of it, but money is something that people stress over. It’s part of the reason we have such a high divorce rate in this country. Depression, loneliness, are very real, and I’ve struggled with them my whole life. So, I can only imagine how other’s will struggle with this situation.

Keep busy, that’s probably my best advice for this pandemic. Play games, connect with family. These are just a couple of ways to keep your mind busy, and that’s the trick here. Stay busy. This is a good time to get those “honey do lists” done. Maybe learn a new skill, or catch up on reading that book you’ve been meaning too. There isn’t an excuse to focus on you and relaxing for a bit. Don’t fall back on the old vices that might not have a positive affect on you as a person. Keep your mind strong, as well as your body, because we will get through this.

It’s often said that it’s easier to give advice, then to take it. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s true. I’m pigheaded and often don’t want to listen to my own sound logic, however, if I do end up staying home(and even if I don’t) I’m going to take this time to work on content. I’ve got scripts that I’m writing, I’ve got blogs that need blogging. Plus, working on podcasts is nice as well. So, as a content creator, I think I’ll be fine. The reality at this time is that I’ve pilfered my son’s Nintendo Switch and have been playing Animal Crossings: New Horizons for the last week. Something wholesome and pure, plus really easy to play.

The one plus is that while it’s put a damper on getting Unexpected Side Trip funded, it has also allowed me to play with other stories, and it also gives me the time to actually review the script and maybe give it another go, since I’ve not touched it for several months. Being versatile has advantages in that way, but if it was a big budget Hollywood movie, I think we’d be in trouble.

On a last note about the global impact the Coronavirus is having: We’re becoming a new world, something about the way things are done is going to change. Do we continue on the path we’ve been on for so long? Or do we learn to do things better, differently, maybe more efficiently? I can’t say how we will change as a people, but I hope that it shows that we have a better side than what has shown so far. Fear has brought out the hatred, the bigotry, and this is something that needs to not happen anymore.

Take care of yourselves, and your fellow person. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

We’ll Ride Out the Bad Times, Because It Gets Better

The worst thing during any part of my journey through life is when the self-doubt hits. The crazy thing was that I hadn’t worked out that week, and from what I’ve been told, could very well factor into part of the why I was feeling that way. The other fact of the reason “why” could also be because of the nightshift at  work. As long as I’m staying busy in some way, the nightshift isn’t bad. However, it’s the slow times that become painful at times.

I know better, yet I also have a habit of over thinking things. I think this is part of the depressive side of me. Having the same words going through my head of not being good enough, and wondering if I am. Who else feels this way? I know that I’m not the only one. God, it sucks to know that the influential years are during the first years of school. I still carry that shit with me today.

Even though I’m out of school, and it’s been for sometime, I still can’t shakes those feelings that I had when I was a kid. I’ve tried to teach my kids not to be that way, and as far as I can tell, it’s worked alright as they are compassionate children. This is at least to the extent that I’ve been able to actually witness with their interaction with their peers. I take that as a parenting win. However, I’ve also witnessed the aftermath of them getting bullied, and I’ve had those concerns as a parent. I worried that some of the thoughts that I had as a child would be common with the one’s that they may have had.

There was a period of time, particularly when I had been going through my bad period that I was really worried about my oldest. Middle School and High School were not the kindest years to her. I’m glad that she went to home school after that instance happened.

As it happens, the other two children are also doing home school. Because of the bullying that the officials “say” they have under control and take serious. That, and also the school system in our town isn’t the best. I feel that they are now in a better curriculum and they have a better chance to thrive. Little Chris has advanced far faster within the last year than he had at his special needs school. It’s just a shame that bullying isn’t taken serious, until a kid commits suicide and bullying is the reason.

Here I am, a man in my early forties, and I still have things from my youth still ingrained in my head. I remember having a conversation with my mom and she had mentioned that she had never realized that I felt that way. That’s something that people don’t always realize, the fact that depression likes to hide itself and not burden anyone. I fell like my problems shouldn’t be anyone else’s. That and I didn’t realize at the time that she had been suffering through her own issues.

I think that’s why I preferred the swing shift. It keeps me busier and that helps me stay in a better mindset. I think that’s why I’m always creatively working on things to keep my own mind busy. That way I don’t have those moments that I feel lonely. I feel that being on the nightshift also has its advantages, I do get to concentrate on more of the things I want, as it isn’t busy like the other shifts. It’s better than the dayshift because I don’t have to get up after only four hours of sleep, however, day’s are the busiest and makes the day go by so much faster.

Mentally I had a rough week, but I started feeling better as my days were ending. I can’t believe that working out was something that helped me feel a bit more aligned. I’ve been told that working out is the best anti-depressant, and so far I believe that it is true. It has been in my case at least. I’ve seen Tweets and had conversations with people who’ve only confirmed this theory. I hate missing workouts, yet life happens and that’s just the way it happens.

On the bright side, I was able to survive that week that was busy, and now I’ve taken a weekend to actually relax. It’s something that I’ve not done in some time, and being able to play  Pokemon with the kids has been a fun bonding experience. Now, I need to get going back on the motivation train.

That was something that I did notice last week,  I was pushing and trying to get my workout in. I was doing my 100 wall push-ups, and then I did 100 squats, which burned my legs. Then working out on Wednesday, I was able to get my son involved with the workout, and then we got one again on Friday. Sam, my trainer, decided to make the kids run. Chris is a bit uncoordinated because of his disabilities, but Sam was impressed with the way Chris could run. He told me that with a little work, Chris would be an even better runner. The best part was hearing Chris complain about how his lungs burned.

Yes, my kids suffered from a good workout, and I thought it was great. I think I needed that workout to get out of the funk I was in. I should have remembered that I would get through that moment. Sometimes, it’ harder to see when you start that process. It’s like when people start to think that suicide is the only option, because in that moment, seeing the light doesn’t seem like an option. I think that’s something people don’t always understand about suicidal tendencies. I’ve heard that it’s a “selfish act” and that “it’s the cowards way out,” but unless someone’s been there, or really studied it, they don’t get it.

I look back and I realize that there are many people who have it way worse than I do. Sometimes, it’s out of their control, and they feel that pressure more because of it. Sometimes, it comes out of the choices we make as people. I’m not one who’s always made the best choices in life, but I’m also not one to run away from what I’ve done, and try and blame it on others. I accept the responsibility for my actions. I wish that I could take back some of the things I did. I wish that my mind wasn’t my greatest enemy, but these are things that I try my best to overcome. Things have gotten so much better over the last several years, I’ve gotten better control of my life, and the weight loss journey is just one of the contributing factors that have helped.

Blogging has been my mental salvation. I know that it isn’t always a subject that people are comfortable talking about, but it’s something that needs to be addressed. I think that the conversation is becoming more common and that people are being more supportive with the struggles. Yes, there are those assholes who think that bringing people who struggle down is funny, but that just goes to show where we as a society should learn to improve the way things are dealt with.

Again I say that blogging has been my mental salvation. I noticed that as I’ve gotten better mentally, I would find less to talk about. Sometimes I would struggle to get something out, and I felt like I was only half-heartedly getting out the content. This would reflect in the views of my posts, and the comments that I would receive. As I struggle to get through my journey at different points, that’s where the views and the comment come in. That’s the time where the support really shines. Yes, I occasionally get negative feedback, but I’m at a point in my life that those opinions don’t matter. The reason? Because it was those opinion that helped get me in the state I was before, and I’m not going to fall that far down ever again.

As always, the is the director, and that’s a wrap. Please like, subscribe, share. That’s the easiest and best way to show support for the project.